You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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