Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
