Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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