There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
