I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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