Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
