I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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