So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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