so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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