none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
