i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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