Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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