He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
