Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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