i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
