Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i now understand why vodka
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
