He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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