guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
