Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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