Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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