do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
