Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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