i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
