Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
