I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
