you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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