Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
