8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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