can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
