just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
