just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
