I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
