if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
