I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
