Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
