I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
i now understand why vodka
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
