if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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