So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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