Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
