Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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