you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
