i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
