you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
