Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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