Too much gin, very little bucket
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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