Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
