You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
