They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
