This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
