I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
